Poker For Beginners: The Perils.

We decided to get to the grass-roots of the online poker room realm, so that we could give you a first account of what it’s like out there. The following is ‘a day in the life of an online-casinos.co.uk writer’, and it starts with the credit card being fished out from the back of the sofa:

 

Well, I love the online gambling phenomenon; I make money out of it, and not just from the gambling. But, when I tell people about my job, they always tell me it isn’t real, it’s a virtual job apparently! I’m not really doing anything, just sending electrical impulses down an invisible void that doesn’t really exist in a physical sense, just bundles of energy moving around the information super highway. These detractors are either nurses, or teachers or any other ‘real’ workers. Well, I’d like to tell them that when they spend an evening gambling on their credit card, the statement that comes through the following month is real enough, I only wish it was as easy as pretending it doesn’t need paying....it certainly doesn’t bode well to tell the bailiff he doesn’t exist when he comes knocking!

 

Well, I’m obviously not the only one who takes a ‘real’ interest in poker, it is fast becoming the number one gambling pastime the internet has to offer, and a whopping $40million is played each day according to some sources. The machinations of poker mean that it attracts a broad audience, all on the prowl to out-do their opponents in a flurry of tactical, underhand, manoeuvres. Yes, today we are all pseudo-psychologists, not to mention undiscovered mathematical geniuses, and poker is the perfect place to express our true natures. And online poker’s even better, because no one can see you blush when you realise the self-serving drivel you tell yourself is exactly that.

 

And that leads nicely to my next point, the poker face, or rather lack of it. If no one can see you blush, no one can see your poker face either, which is great for me because I tend to get severe facial twitching over a couple of 5’s. There are a few tricks left in the arsenal, and one of those is your player name.....chosen with care you can take the intimidation route, Crazy Ben, and hope that it scares players out of the rounds, or the lamer route, Sweety pie, in the hope of enticing players in, then stinging them with your stealthy moves- of course both tactics can backfire too.

 

When I play as Crazy Ben, I tend to hang around the five-card tables biting chunks out of the inexpert players’ money piles, until I have quite a big pile myself. But on the day I managed to fish my credit card out from the back of the sofa (after stuffing it there in a gamble induced rage), there were no five-card tables to play at, what could I do? The casino had Omaha, Razz, Caribbean stud and Deuce-7, I didn’t even know what they were, and had the eeriest impression that I might have plummeted to the depths of internet deprivation and stumbled upon some twisted, underworld, online male-brothel.

 

After the initial panic had passed, I had after all registered with the casino, giving all my personal information and credit card details to what I came to believe was a seedy brothel, I managed to compose myself long-enough to realise that these were actually the names of different styles of poker, so I sat down at a seven-card stud table- the closest I could get to my familiar five-stud poker games- where a game was in progress and a seat available. Now, I can vaguely agree with my ‘real’ friends from the beginning of the story, I didn’t really ‘sit’, I just pressed the left button on my mouse representing both the act of sitting (fake) and the act of parting with $100 (real!!!).

 

 

Well, after sitting down for at least thirty seconds, I started to feel sicky-puke, flashing, spinning lights, mad crazy rhythms, beeps and bleeps, I started to think someone had spiked my drink, then I realised I was at home, and it was only me who could have spiked, the luxury of online gaming- you can spike yourself from the comfort of your own home. Anyway, back to the point, the graphics and noise, a bit much for me as a beginner, I couldn’t really work out which players were making which moves and at what times, and I wondered how the game moved so fast, I figured that the other players must have been genius’ and it was nothing to do with me having a lack of expertise. When it came to my turn to play, well, I think I held the game up quite significantly, it took me a while each time to realise that it was my go and then I had to choose what action to take; CALL, RAISE or FOLD. The flashing, whizzing and whirring noises continued and I was completely out of my depth, I just clicked random combinations and hoped for the best. At the end of the session, my $100 had dwindled to a mere $5.49 and I wondered how I would explain the loss to my partner, I was after all meant to be saving up for a new puppy. At this monumental loss, I turned the computer off and crawled under the porch, tail between my legs and thought about what I had done.

 

Under the porch I had a brain wave, why not play the same game on a ‘play for free’ option at my online casino of choice- then I ran to the bathroom to be sick when I realised I could have done that in the first place and our puppy would be closer to home than he was now. The practice game was great, my character was depicted using a 3D ativar, and I got to style Crazy Ben myself, spiked up hair, bright orange of course and even got to put forehead studs in like Vivian from the Young-Ones. I sat down among the other ativars, we had JamsyMcJamieson all suited and booted, MarVonde101 a bit of a tart if you ask me, and Bandit Robinson, definitely the coolest at the table. Because the money was free, and not real, I purchased $1000 chips and by the end of round one, after my ‘real money’ practice, I was actually up $5........something told me I had played the real and practice plays the wrong way around......by the end of the hour I was actually up by $200 and feeling a lot more confident about winning the puppy-money back later.  

 

Once I got over the initial shock of these wins, I explored the practice game a little closer, and low and behold, there was a chat option available, the only reason I hadn’t noticed it earlier was because no one seemed to be chatting. So I started the chat going:

 

CrazyBen: Anybody else lost their puppy-money today? (Need advice on how to tell my partner the puppy might not be here for Christmas).

 

Unsurprisingly, no body answered, I wasn’t sure if that was due to ignorance or the randomness of the question, so I continued playing, I raised $5 and two people folded.  A pair of 3’s came up, but they were no good for me, then suddenly....an explosion from the chat screen:

 

 

JamsyMcJamieson: Hey ev1, any1 from the UK?

 

Choosing to ignore that, I moved on to the next table, with my winnings in hand:

 

Crazy Ben: anyone ever dunked beef in horseradish?  [No-one answered my earlier question so I thought I’d try some randomness]

 

Jimbob222: once, never again it stung.

 

josephsmum: I’m having beef right now!

 

Jimbob222: Horseradish? Lmao

 

josephsmum: ummmmmmmmmmm.......

 

Jimbob222: Lmao

 

So there I was, chatting away and playing poker at the same time, still not quite sure of what I was doing. But having accumulated some winnings on my fake money, I felt ready to take the plunge and play for real again. Chasing the puppy-money, something that gambling advice always warns against. I chucked another $50 on the plastic and found a Small Blind $2 Big Blind $4 stakes table. This turned out to be a little out of my league, the other players all had bankrolls of at least $200, then there was little old me, with my pathetic little pile, a sure target for the sharks, they forced me of the table easily, I didn’t make the right decisions when I should have and I basically stayed on a sinking ship that was my bankroll. Needless to say, I didn’t even have time to contemplate the chat box, not when my screen kept shouting at me “Crazy Ben! It’s your turn!!!”, I panicked, and I lost more puppy money, at this rate we were going to end up with a three-legged, one-eyed, fully grown mongrel. I lost the whole $50 in three rounds..........

 

Well, irked as I was, I couldn’t let this lie, I clicked onto the ‘deposit’ option and wacked another $50 on my credit card. This time I was shrewd though, I sat at a table where the stakes never passed $0.50 and the pot usually got to around $15. I played 8 very careful, very stealthy, hands and slowly lost half of my money, grrrrrrrrrrrrr. But then, I got dealt an Ace and a two and stayed in up to the flop to see if another Ace came up, joy of joys a two came up at the flop and then another two at the turn. The player to my left had caused the others to fold, so we were head to head, with his lame name, andypoke, I knew I was going to win, and I did! I left the game with $50.01 in my account, which was $0.01 up on how I started the day, discounting of course the other $100 I lost earlier. But take into account the money I’ll win tomorrow night, I think a four-legged Labrador will be clippie-clopping around the house in no time, we’ll see what happens tomorrow after the partner goes to bed, providing they don’t check the credit card account online......

 

The moral of the story? LEARN TO PLAY POKER BEFORE PLAYING FOR REAL MONEY!!!

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