Gambling Jokes

Welcome to our gambling fun and jokes section. We all love a good joke or two, so sit back and have a laugh.  There are some truly awful jokes out there so we've tried to include only the best ones, but each to their own eh. We will try to add  jokes as and when we hear them, so make sure you pop back when you can to catch the latest gambling jokes.

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A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

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"I need you to help me stop my son gambling," an anxious mother said to his son's  head master. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's always bet, bet, bet."
"Leave this to me," said the head master. Seven days later he phoned the boy's mother. "I think I've cured him," he said.
"How?"
"Well, I saw him looking at my large beard and he said, 'I bet that beard is false.'
'How much?' I said, and he said "£5 "
"What happened?" asked the mother.
"Well, he pulled my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me £5. I'm sure that will teach him a lesson or two."
"No, it won't," said the mother. "He bet me £10 this yesterday that he will pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!"

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Tim was down on his luck in Vegas. He had gambled away every cent of his money and had to borrow a dime from someone else just to use the men's toilet. The stall happened open, so he used the dime in a slots machines and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went straight to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into 5 million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Tim went on the lecture circuit, where he told his amazing story. He told his audiences and followers that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man who gave hime that dime, he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you that dime."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Alice, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"

Alice replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

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An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. 'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

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A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

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A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... (Get ready for this!)

"W I N A B A G E L"

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One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.

He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried.

"Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."